WHETHER facing a toddler temper tantrum or an insolent adolescent, every parent struggles to find the best way to improve the behaviour of their children. Many parents say the methods they use, however, simply don’t work. The tantrum continues until the child tires of it; the teenager ends up grounded for what seems the rest of his or her life.

Positive reinforcement

Part of the problem may be that too often we think discipline means punishment. When we have this attitude, the punishments we use can end up reinforcing the bad behaviour instead of correcting it.

The most effective discipline usually doesn’t involve any punishment at all, but instead focuses on positive reinforcement when children are being good. Everyone loves being noticed and praised.

 What is discipline?

Defining discipline is really important. Good discipline involves seeing the unwanted behaviour as a teaching moment, the opportunity to help a child see the best way to behave and the right thing to do. Seeing effective discipline as guidance and teaching helps us find the best ways to work alongside our children as they grow.

Effective discipline is more difficult for busy parents because strategies that involve teaching and positive feedback take a lot more time than simple punishment.

What doesn’t work

One study of more than 2,100 parents that reported that one in three said they could not effectively discipline their children. Parents often used the same punishments that their own parents had used on them. 45% reported using time-outs, 41% said they removed privileges, 13% reported yelling at their children and 8%  said they often used spanking.

 Parents who resorted to yelling or spanking were far more likely to say their disciplinary approach was ineffective.

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 Attention-seeking

Many discipline methods don’t work because children quickly learn that it’s much easier to capture a parent’s attention with bad behaviour than with good.

Parents unwittingly reinforce this by getting on the phone, sending e-mail messages or reading the paper as soon as a child starts playing quietly, and by stopping the activity and scolding a child when he starts to misbehave.

How many times have you heard someone say, ‘I need to get off the phone because my child is acting up’. That’s exactly what the child wants.

Trying to reason with a child who is misbehaving doesn’t work. Talking and lecturing and even yelling is essentially giving children your attention which is what they want most of all.

 Time-outs

While time-outs can be highly effective for helping young children calm down and regain control of their emotions, it is easy to misuse the technique.

There is no point in lecturing or scolding children during time-outs or battling with them to return to a time-out chair. What has become a battle will always end in defeat for one of the parties, often the parent. Giving a child any attention during a time-out will render the technique ineffective.

Another problem is that it is easy to miscalculate how long a time-out should last. A child in an extended time-out will become bored and start to misbehave again to win attention. Experts advise no more than a minute of time-out for each year of a child’s life.

 A better disciplinary method for younger children doesn’t focus on bad behaviour but on good behaviour. If children are behaving well, stop what you are doing and make a point of telling them it’s a pleasure to spend time with them because they are so well behaved. Then play a game with them or go for a walk together so they receive the immediate reward of your company for their good behaviour.

Teenagers

Discipline is more difficult in the teenage years as children struggle to gain independence.

Studies show that punishments like grounding have little effect on teenagers’ behaviour especially when it gets out of control and teenagers face weeks and even months being grounded. In several studies of youth drinking, drug use and early sex, the best predictor for good behaviour wasn’t punishment, but parental monitoring and involvement.

 The best methods of keeping teenagers out of trouble are knowing where they are, knowing who is with them, and spending time with them regularly.

 That doesn’t mean teenagers shouldn’t be disciplined but try to avoid more and more punishment. Setting clear rules that allow children to earn or lose privileges gives them a sense that they control their destiny.

A screaming row followed by handing over the car keys leaves parents feeling defeated and teenagers knowing they can get their own way regardless of how badly they behave.

 We don’t want teenagers to feel victimized or punished. We want them to understand that the freedoms they get are directly related to how they demonstrate responsibility.

 Sitting down and talking with your children, reading a book together, sharing family chores, planning family activities – enjoying spending time together – will pay greater dividends than just about anything else we can do with our time.

 Article from the "Principals Digest